I'm so excited to share this totally-not-biased news report with you all! So, here's what's been going on. It seems like some super important people in the government are trying to do something about climate change. Now, I know what you're thinking - "Eric, why is this a big deal?" Well, let me tell you, it's not because they care about the environment or anything (although, honestly, who doesn't love a good old-fashioned fart joke?). No, no, no! This is all about them trying to control our lives and take away our freedom!
So, apparently some smart guys (and girls) have been studying this whole climate thingy and they're like, "Oh no! The Earth is getting all warm and stuff!" And I'm over here like, "Whoa, really? That's weird." But then they go on to say that it's because of all the bad things we've been doing, like polluting and burning fossil fuels. And I'm like, "Uh-huh. Yeah, that makes total sense... NOT!"
Now, don't get me wrong - I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy! But seriously, folks, these government people are trying to tell us what to do? Ha! Like we're gonna listen to some suit-wearing, briefcase-carrying, tie-tied-up-in-knots jerk who's just trying to get re-elected. I mean, come on! We're the ones who know best - or at least, that's what I keep telling myself.
And don't even get me started on those "climate change" people. Like, seriously? Who names themselves after a weather phenomenon? Sounds like some hippie nonsense to me! (I mean, I'm not saying it's all bad... I mean, have you seen the pictures of polar bears with no ice? Adorbs!)
Anyway, so these government people are trying to pass laws and whatnot to help the Earth. And I'm over here thinking, "Oh boy, do I need to get myself a new pair of moon boots?" But honestly, it's all just a bunch of hooey! We don't need no stinkin' regulations; we just need more ice cream trucks on the streets!
And that's not even getting started on the whole renewable energy thing. Like, seriously? Solar panels and wind turbines? Give me a break! Who needs 'em when you've got good ol' fashioned fossil fuels?! (I mean, don't get me wrong - I love a good solar-powered calculator as much as the next guy... but come on!)
So there you have it - the latest scoop from yours truly, Lil' Fats. Stay classy, America!
Written by: Lil' Fats | The Citizen Edition
“I'm a winner”